Men, you had one job. One job! And Matt Damon just got fired. In a truly exquisite display of just how tone-deaf some white dudes can be, Damon made himself an internet target quicker than you can say Milo Yiannopoulos by claiming, in an interview with ABC, that if anyone close to Harvey Weinstein had actually known what he was up to, then they would have put a stop to it. He then did some mansplaining about how there's a difference between child molestation/ rape and patting someone on the butt.
Unsurprisingly, his dumbfounding ignorance prompted thousands of genius memes and piping hot responses from the likes of Alyssa Milano and former girlfriend Minnie Driver, who both explained that everyone understands this integral difference, but the existence and persistence of all forms of sexual assault are symptomatic of a painful and abusive patriarchy. While in the Bourne trilogy, Damon was a gorjey, emotionally complex heartthrob who brilliantly saved Julia Stiles a ton of times, his new movie Bourne Patriarchy looks set to be a box-office flop.
In other ‘sequels which should never see the light of day’ news, Lauren Weisberger’s announcement of a Devil Wears Prada kind-of-almost-sequel-thing is a head-scratcher. When Life Gives you Lululemons is the (bleakest) title (ever printed on the cover of a book), and sees Emily Blunt's character, 10 years down the line, take on the world of A-list client dressing in homes across Connecticut. Firstly, why? Everything was so perfect: The Devil Wears Prada remains one of those rare smash-hit, artistically brilliant social commentaries of timeless proportions that hasn’t been ravaged by an attempt at an out-of-touch sequel, unlike so many other once well-regarded films. Secondly, there’s no way Emily would ever leave the fashion industry. Thirdly, will Miranda be in it? It’s all overwhelmingly upsetting — can the gals and their gay friends not just be left in peace? You’re breaking my heart, Lauren.
And while we’re at it, the girls and the gays will be flocking to a cinema near you to catch the next instalment of Pitch Perfect. Really, the movies are actually a complex look into the effects of amnesia on a group of unknowing women who seem not to be able to learn the simple lesson that they should just be singers and that they need each other and that they are friends. Like, they’ve honestly learned this lesson an unfathomable number of times at this point. While it’s important to have funny, messy portrayals of female sisterhood on screen, it feels like all of the actors are in pain whenever they even move, and I just can’t get on board with yet another movie where we all laugh at Rebel Wilson cos she’s fat and clumsy. We get it, you’re friends. We get it, you can sing. We get it, you got paid aca-millions for this. We aca-get-aca-it-aca-aca. Now aca-stop. Aca-please? Well, after I’ve seen this one on Boxing Day at least…
And speaking of seeing things (lol so tenuous) — I see dead people! No, joke, but speaking of seeing things… Kylie Jenner is nowhere to be seen in the 25-day special Kardashian Christmas card. An utter tragedy or a suspenseful ploy? If Kris Jenner’s got anything to do with it, we’ll be seeing a pregnant Kylie popping up on Xmas Day, baby bump in tow. The makeup and owning-a-big-house mogul is yet to be seen plus bump, so here’s hoping our Christmas is made by the announcement of lil' baby Lipkit via the Kardashian Khristmas Kard.
And if you’re still stuck on what to get me for Christmas, don’t panic. All I want is a flight to Vegas and multiple tickets to see GAGA IN HER NEW VEGAS RESIDENCY. The chameleonic star announced on Tuesday that she’s changing colour once again — this time opting for a two-year run at Vegas’ Park Theatre, in a $75m dollar deal. There’s only a certain kind of star who can pull off a Vegas show — a Britney, a Céline, a Cher, a JLo — a timeless star dedicated to showmanship. And while Gaga’s personal branding has changed countless times over the past years, her Vegas residency is the utterly diva-esque, showgirl kind of move that reflects where she’s at now: a true icon, a pilgrimage. Thank you in advance!