Thomas Markle broke his recent promise that he was done trashing his daughter in the media to give yet another eye-rolling interview where he called the royal family a cult. Buckle up, this gets rocky.
“They are cult-like — like Scientology — because they are secretive,” Markle told The Sun. “They are either like Scientologists or the Stepford family.” Now wait just a minute — I have a suspicion Markle never read The Stepford Wives. It’s really less about people being secretive and more about robots replacing all the women in a town. Is he afraid the Duchess of Sussex is a cyborg now? It would explain why her hair always looks so good. Meanwhile, Scientology is officially recognised as a religion by the government, so technically...not a cult.
Markle’s reasoning seems to be that because the royal family isn’t listening to his media jabs and aren’t speaking to him, they must be a cult. “They close the door, pull the shades down and put their fingers in their ears so they don’t have to hear,” Markle said.
Markle continued the wild speculation, saying, “Maybe they have a secret handshake too! You cannot ask a question of them — as they won’t answer.” So many things to unpack here. Does Annie and Hallie’s cool handshake make that camp from The Parent Trap a cult? Does everyone I block on Tinder assume I’m in a cult because I’m not answering their questions? Is it weird that I hope the answer to both of those questions is yes?
We’re all about cults right now, with our summer Cult Fridays series exploring alleged cults present (NXIVM), past (Rajneeshpuram), and fictional (Gilead?). Cults leaders do a lot of weird things — they use music as mind control and bedazzle denim jackets — but sacrificing personal preferences and privacy to serve as the benign figurehead of a commonwealth? Nah. Sorry, Markle. The royal family is not a cult.
They just don’t want to talk to you.
If you’re worried your friends or family members might be involved in a cult (assuming they haven’t just married into the royal family), you can read about the legitimate warning signs here.