An Extremely Plausible Theory For Why Every Celebrity Couple Is Getting Engaged

Photo: Jackson Lee/Getty Images.
This summer, three celebrity couples have gotten engaged after dating for approximately 45 minutes (or more specifically, 2 to 3 months). The season of shotgun engagements started with Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson, spiked with Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin, and has now plateaued with reports that Nick Jonas and Priyanka Chopra have also put a ring on it.
You guys — this is weird. Something is up. In fact, I personally think that the young millennials and Gen Z-ers of Hollywood know something that we don't know. I'm not one to truck in conspiracy theories, but there's something sus about all of these kids (most of them former child pop stars) getting engaged weeks apart. They are trying to tell the Rest of Us something.
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Here's one theory: the wizards behind the curtain of Hollywood are hard at work protecting their own, marrying them off to start a new generation of powerful, talented, famous actor-singers because ... there is an impending alien invasion. Water was just found on MARS! Please tell me this is all a coincidence. A second theory is inspired by the plot of Josie & The Pussycats. Two words: subliminal messaging. Twenty-somethings these days aren't getting married like they used to. They're too busy getting careers, travelling, and investing in themselves, not each other. Could our favourite celebrities be subliminally encouraging us to also settle down and tie the knot? Is this a ploy to keep up to some heteronormative standard of Hollywood? Marry young, marry fast, marry the opposite sex? Or maybe they just want to get married to get divorced.
Of course, you read the news. (It's stressful, but you should read the news.) The state of things has been...better. Maybe I'm just a nervous person who is starting to feel old because every celebrity my age is now (reportedly) engaged. For real. In this era of uncertainty, existential dread and, well, Donald Trump, maybe celebrities have found the best fix: fall in love and live your life in pre-marital bliss.
And on top of all this, Bieber and Baldwin are now stalking me (they were seen shopping at my local Brooklyn grocery store) and taunting me with their fiancée frivolity. Something's up, people! Something. Is. Up.
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