Riverdale's Jughead Jones does not Instagram. I do not know this for a fact, but one can assume that the newly minted Southside resident and Betty Cooper's beau finds no appeal in the photo-sharing app. (He's all over Tumblr though. Trust.) As for the guy who plays him? Well, Cole Sprouse is so here for Instagram, and knows exactly how to entice fans of his CW show with just-cryptic-enough stories.
While Sprouse's Instagram story didn't give away The Black Hood's identity, or reveal Cheryl Blossom's mysterious new love interest, it did show the entire cast at what appears to be a huge church scene.
Don't be distracted by Sprouse's rather brilliant moustache art. The cast of Riverdale is definitely in church together, wearing their Sunday best.
The real question, of course, is why? What brings the squad to the pews? What is so important that Jughead donned a proper suit?
After careful analysis of the photos, I've come up with some theories.
The first theory is the most obvious — it's a funeral, which could mean that the Black Hood finally managed to succeed in killing someone in Riverdale. (Ms. Grundy doesn't count.) That would make sense, given Riverdale's morbid leanings, except that Betty is the only one not wearing black. Cheryl (Madelaine Petsch) might wear all-white to a funeral, as she's known to do, but Betty? She is tasteful enough not to wear pink to such a sad event.
The second possibility is that it's a happier occasion. Perhaps someone is getting hitched? Right now, no one seems itching to get to the altar. (Veronica and Archie already had their faux-wedding.) However, there is another reason to bring everyone to church: a baby's baptism. Perhaps Polly (Tiera Skovbye) returns to Riverdale to celebrate the birth of her twins, and everyone in town rallies around her on the special occasion?
Of course, the only way to know for sure what's going on in Sprouse's Instagram story is to actually watch Riverdale. But don't think I won't be checking for more of real-life Jughead's cryptic Instagram stories in the meantime.