Madonna, Queen of Pop, does not do low-key. She frees the nipple onstage, she makes out with Britney and Drake, she hangs from a cross... the only thing you can predict from her on any given day is a production. So when, before my appointment to get her signature facial, I was told on two separate occasions that aesthetician Edyta Jarosz is a pro at capturing Instagram #content, I knew I was in for a show. What I didn't yet know was that the magnets, brow-raising electricity currents, and rainbow lights she uses would make for so much more than just social media porn.
Why get Madonna's facial and not, say, Kate Bosworth's or Kim Kardashian's (two people whose skin I'd very much kill to have)? Because, in addition to being the best-selling female recording artist of all time, Madonna also found the the time to create a skin-care line called MDNA Skin. For the last three years, it was only available in Japan, Hong Kong, Taiwan, and South Korea; on September 26, it makes its long-awaited debut in the U.S. And only one place — the newly-opened PFrankMD Skin Salon in New York City — currently uses the products in treatments. So I lay down in Edyta's bed for the OxyLight facial and MDNA mask add-on, because I can only hope that I, too, will feel good enough in my skin at 59 to date three decades down and walk red carpets with my ass out.
After washing and exfoliating my face, Edyta painted on the MDNA Chrome Clay Mask. It contains, like all the products in the line, the brand's proprietary ingredient: M.T. Parca. Derived from four natural springs in Italy, the compound features sodium, chlorine, iodine, calcium, lithium, and phosphorus to stimulate skin at the cellular level. Alone, it costs $180 (£140), but you're going to want the set, which includes a magnetic wand that you'll hover above your face to suck the magnetic-coated clay (and the gunk in your pores) right out, while generating a small electromagnetic interaction that energizes the cells. It's fun in an ASMR way, which is how you're going to have to justify the $600 (£460) price tag if you're not a Madonna superfan.
Next came the oxygen high pressure spray, which delivers a heavy dose of moisture to tired, dry skin, making it look plumper and brighter for 12-24 hours after. It's nothing new in facials, but I'm always caught off-guard by how freezing it is — I found myself short of breath and gulping for air at points, but it's worth it for how squeaky clean it makes you feel.
Edyta followed that up with ultrasound therapy, used to make topical nutrient-rich serums penetrate deeper into the skin through a process called phonophoresis. (It feels like nothing but a smooth, cool, metal rock gliding across; occasionally, I hear a faint ringing when it passes by the temples.) Then, she picked up my favourite tool: the micro-current device. Nothing will do the work of Botox, but if you're months past due for yours and need a quick little brow lift, micro-current, which shoots tiny little zaps of electrical currents to your muscles to temporarily tighten and lift them, is the next best thing. For the rest of the day, my heavy eyelids were significantly less so — my upper lashes didn't automatically flatten when I curled them and put on mascara later that night.
For the finale, I was treated to a full spectrum LED light show featuring seven colours. The treatment is customisable depending on your needs — red is anti-inflammatory and stimulates collagen production; yellow addresses uneven skin tone and pigmentation; blue is antibacterial to help with acne; indigo calms — but the rainbow option clearly wins the popular vote.
If it all sounds like a lot, that's because it was. But not for nothing. I can't remember a time when an aesthetician handed me a mirror post-facial and I didn't have to fake a reaction. "Oh yes, it's so glowy, wow, thank you!" I always say, but secretly, I'm waiting for them to leave the room so I can jump up, conceal the redness, and throw on huge sunglasses before stepping foot outside. I did none of that after getting out of Edyta's bed. Turns out, my skin loves a sensory overload show just as much as Madonna.
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