In News That Surprises No One, Donald Trump Takes Hair-Growth Pills

The curious case of Donald Trump’s hair has been mystifying the masses since the ‘80s, when he first came into the public eye as a larger-than-life businessman known to the press as The Donald. Now that The Donald is The President of the United States, people are less concerned with his is-it-or-isn’t-it combover and beige dye job than they are with whether we're going to war with Iran next week. But in the event that you’re still stuck on the particulars of the infamous ‘do, know this: President Trump’s longtime physician, Dr. Harold N. Bornstein, confirmed to the New York Times that his powerful client (though who knows for how long — we can't see this reveal going over well) does indeed take hair-growth pills to keep his fine, fluffy texture on the up and up. Trump has a standing prescription for Propecia, a well-known drug that treats male-pattern baldness. Aside from popping the pills, here are some other things that Mr. Trump does: 1) Instructs the high-profile attendees of the National Prayer Breakfast to pray for Arnold Schwarzenegger and his low Apprentice ratings. 2) Believes that Black history icon Frederick Douglass, who passed away in 1895, is still alive, and somehow involved in “fake news.” 3) Threatens a 20% tariff on all products imported from Mexico – including avocados, tomatoes, tequila, sparkling water, and a bunch of other things nobody wants to pay an additional 20% for. 4) Eats Lay’s potato chips. Like, so many Lay’s potato chips. 5) Rules the free world.