Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are funny.
No, they don't do slapstick humour. Nor do they make highly intellectual, nuanced jokes. But they have a way of turning a normal interview question into a quotable moment.
The pair graces the September cover of Harper's Bazaar as two of the magazines icons for the year. However you feel about the couple, you have to admit they are indeed iconic.
Reading through their interview, I couldn't help but laugh out loud and nearly choke on my coffee at some of the stuff they said. It's like Kanye saved his best tweets in the Drafts section to whip out during this cover questionnaire.
What the interview lacked in fashion inspiration (which is the main point of such a magazine), it makes up for in providing an abundance of what I shall call "West vibes."
Here are all the outrageous things that made it into the interview. Some of this stuff I'll admit I don't totally understand, but that's what makes it so great — I don't think they really understand what they mean half the time, either.
When Kim and Kanye were just talking to each other and ignoring the writer, Laura Brown.
Kanye: "I think we should get an outdoor shower."
Kim: "Well, outside would be freezing, so maybe one inside and one outside. One and one."
Kanye: "But there's a way that you can open the glass, like a sunroof. I'm thinking about the plaster too, around the bathtub."
Kim: "We'll discuss."
Laura Brown: "Okay!" When Kanye said he used to send dick pics.
"I used to do nude selfies in my single days. You'd get a good cock shot here and there. [Laughs.] Gotta keep it rock 'n' roll."
Kanye: "I think we should get an outdoor shower."
Kim: "Well, outside would be freezing, so maybe one inside and one outside. One and one."
Kanye: "But there's a way that you can open the glass, like a sunroof. I'm thinking about the plaster too, around the bathtub."
Kim: "We'll discuss."
Laura Brown: "Okay!" When Kanye said he used to send dick pics.
"I used to do nude selfies in my single days. You'd get a good cock shot here and there. [Laughs.] Gotta keep it rock 'n' roll."
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When Kanye said his favourite body part of Kim's was her "heart." (Okay, sure.)
And then Kim responded that her favourite body part was her "upper stomach" (huh), before adding that her favourite body part of Kanye's was also his heart (answer stealer). But also, she has "always loved his legs." When Kim said she could "smell when someone has a cavity."
Apparently it has a very specific smell — like bad breath. When Kanye low-key threatened everyone reading.
"I can analyse people's intentions. Immediately. That's just a warning. To everyone." When Kanye said "thinking" was not his thing.
"Here's something that's contrary to popular belief: I actually don't like thinking. I think people think I like to think a lot. And I don't. I do not like to think at all." When Kanye accidentally overthought everything one second later.
"I think about things to put them in a place where I don't have to think about them anymore. Say if I had a child with a really bad mum, I would have to think more than if I had a child with a good mum. I'm just doing my homework early. I told my trainer today, I'm a mix of a 14-year-old high schooler and a 60-year-old guy. It can never fall into the 30s or the 40s. It has to be 100% 60 or 100% 14, no in between." When Kanye said a sentence I want stitched on a pillow.
"It's a lifestyle I can totally see: the future, modern Versailles, modern Versace, modern Calabasas, paparazzi, celebrity language." When Kanye described ALL the nudes he likes.
"I love her nude selfies. Like, I love the ones from the side, the back ones, and the front. I just love seeing her naked; I love nudity. And I love beautiful shapes. I feel like it's almost a Renaissance thing, a painting, a modern version of a painting." When Kanye pulled an "I don't know her" on Taylor Swift.
Laura: "Favourite Taylor Swift song?"
Kanye: "For me? I don't have one." When Kim admitted that she was vain.
But only after Googling to "look up exactly what the definition is." When Kanye said he would hang out in women's locker rooms if he were invisible.
A very creepy answer, which I guess is sort of like what he already does. When Kim said she's going to make a "book of analogies" that Kanye has spouted.
They are just "the funniest." When Kanye said Kim was a funny person.
But she replied that she's already accepted that she will never be known as being funny. When Kanye delivered his best joke.
"I think my sense of humour is really dark and super twisted and stuff like that. It's like, 'Is this a funny joke for real? Or am I just rich?' See? That was funny."
And then Kim responded that her favourite body part was her "upper stomach" (huh), before adding that her favourite body part of Kanye's was also his heart (answer stealer). But also, she has "always loved his legs." When Kim said she could "smell when someone has a cavity."
Apparently it has a very specific smell — like bad breath. When Kanye low-key threatened everyone reading.
"I can analyse people's intentions. Immediately. That's just a warning. To everyone." When Kanye said "thinking" was not his thing.
"Here's something that's contrary to popular belief: I actually don't like thinking. I think people think I like to think a lot. And I don't. I do not like to think at all." When Kanye accidentally overthought everything one second later.
"I think about things to put them in a place where I don't have to think about them anymore. Say if I had a child with a really bad mum, I would have to think more than if I had a child with a good mum. I'm just doing my homework early. I told my trainer today, I'm a mix of a 14-year-old high schooler and a 60-year-old guy. It can never fall into the 30s or the 40s. It has to be 100% 60 or 100% 14, no in between." When Kanye said a sentence I want stitched on a pillow.
"It's a lifestyle I can totally see: the future, modern Versailles, modern Versace, modern Calabasas, paparazzi, celebrity language." When Kanye described ALL the nudes he likes.
"I love her nude selfies. Like, I love the ones from the side, the back ones, and the front. I just love seeing her naked; I love nudity. And I love beautiful shapes. I feel like it's almost a Renaissance thing, a painting, a modern version of a painting." When Kanye pulled an "I don't know her" on Taylor Swift.
Laura: "Favourite Taylor Swift song?"
Kanye: "For me? I don't have one." When Kim admitted that she was vain.
But only after Googling to "look up exactly what the definition is." When Kanye said he would hang out in women's locker rooms if he were invisible.
A very creepy answer, which I guess is sort of like what he already does. When Kim said she's going to make a "book of analogies" that Kanye has spouted.
They are just "the funniest." When Kanye said Kim was a funny person.
But she replied that she's already accepted that she will never be known as being funny. When Kanye delivered his best joke.
"I think my sense of humour is really dark and super twisted and stuff like that. It's like, 'Is this a funny joke for real? Or am I just rich?' See? That was funny."
And last but not least:
When Kanye boldly compared Kim's naked-selfie skills to Adele's singing. Not a joke.
"I think it's important for Kim to have her figure. To not show it would be like Adele not singing."
"I think it's important for Kim to have her figure. To not show it would be like Adele not singing."