On Thursday, HBO sent out a press release about the imminent season of Game of Thrones. It teases some of the exciting action we can expect in season 6. The release also revealed the title of the April 24 episode to be "The Red Woman," along with a brief episode description. Are you ready for it? Okay, here we go: "Jon Snow is dead. Daenerys meets a strong man. Cersei sees her daughter again."
Yeah, we get it HBO. Just because Kit Harington and his silky chestnut locks have been all over that Game of Thrones set doesn't mean he survived his encounter with a White Walker in the season 5 finale. And that screenshot of his goddamned face in the season 6 trailer? That's your eyes playing tricks on you. Jon Snow is dead. Done. Deceased. Dearly departed. Yep, sure he is. We totally believe you. Ha! Nice try, HBO.
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People, I implore you — don't fall into the trap. See, HBO is trying a little bit too hard to throw us off its scent. Write off spot-on fan theories as the work of crazy conspiracy theorists. Tweet out posters of his dead face. Get your actors to play along. Literally say, "Jon Snow is dead." You could say the network is beating a dead horse, but the horse is actually a man — and he's alive. It's clear to me that the evil plan is this: Let's do everything we can to convince everyone Jon Snow is dead so we can really wow their socks off when we bring him back to life in episode three. Classic!
Jon Snow is alive. You know it, I know it, HBO knows we know it, and Amy Schumer sure as hell knows it. So, I beg of you: Remain adamant in your denial. Don't let your faith waver. Keep your hope aflame. But no matter what they tell you, don't light any fucking candles for Jon Snow.