All The Haircuts I Want But Will Never Get

I’ve been wittering on about dyeing my hair blue – in particular that light metallic shade once sported by an Olsen – for about five years now but having heard one too many bleach horror stories, I just can't commit. I even made an appointment at Bleach this summer, had a consultation where they chopped off a section of hair for testing, paid a £50 deposit, and then totally bottled it.

I’ve fantasised about sharp, below the ear bobs and their cute paintbrush-ponytail evolutions, physically worshipped girls I’ve known who’ve shaved their heads and totally overreacted to short, blunt fringes on people I’ve just been introduced to at the pub.

When I was 14 and a hardcore P!nk fan I had pink hair, then blonde, then black. I had bobs and fringes every other year and was something of a French plait legend at school – run off my feet every lunchtime braiding all of year nine on a packed schedule before double Chemistry. I got so good at hair that I did two weddings in 2006. But when I turned 25, all I wanted was long, boring brown hair. The kind no-one ever comments on because there's really nothing to say. I've become very attached to both the longness and the boringness of my hair; in fact I'm now so hairly-strung that I tell hairdressers I won’t pay if they cut more than an inch off. Pathetic, I know.

Maybe one day (definitely not in 2017), I'll have the courage to cut my hair and change my life but for now, here are all the haircuts and colours I want, on girls much cooler than me.