Nothing says this will be an epic episode quite like Jon Snow face-to-face with a large Dothraki man, so let's get right down to it!
I have to say this: Jon and Daenerys are both deeply boring people, so their conversation is nothing worth writing home about (although, bow down to Davos Seaworth, king of deadpan comedy). BUT still, important things are discussed. First off, Jon will not bend the knee, despite what Torrhen Stark promised to Aeogon Targaryen hundreds of years before. Second, yes, we get it, Starks shouldn't travel south.
Dany reacts to Jon's "Army of the Dead" speech about how you thought she would: with utter disbelief. Seeing as Jon Snow is basically just a bro with a manbun and excellent taste in fur cloaks (dude, you're at the beach, come on), can you blame her?
"So many men have tried to kill me, I don't remember all their names," she says, delivering a classic Mother of Dragons scorcher of a speech, which I'm sure will be adorning inspirational Instagram posts by tomorrow. (It's interesting, and important, however, that she finally acknowledges that her often over-glamorized relationship with Khal Drogo started off with her rape.) "I was born to rule the seven kingdoms, and I will." Jon Snow better saddle up — the women in his life are getting unruly.
He and Davos are invited (that is to say threatened) to stay on Dragonstone for the time being. The conversation is cut short when Varys enters, presumably to inform Daenerys that Euron Greyjoy has pulled a Jack Sparrow and destroyed their fleet.
Speaking of Varys, he and Melisandre have a very confusing conversation about her leaving for Volantis. Varys threatens her, saying he can't guarantee her safety if she returns to Westeros. And then, she comes back with this: "I have to die in this strange country. Just like you." Um, what?
Beware Of The Fuckboi
Meanwhile, Euron is living his best life returning to King's Landing as a hero, with Yara, Tyene and Ellaria Sand in tow. I can't decide if Euron is too campy or if I love him. I honestly give up.
Fuckboi Greyjoy brings the prisoners into the Great Hall, where Cersei is waiting. "I give you what no other man could give," he croons. "Justice for your murdered daughter."
Cersei is pleased, and grants him control of the oceans on her behalf. She also vaguely implies that he'll get to sleep with her once this is all over. And while I appreciate Euron's taunts to Jaime, because wow, Game of Thrones, you went there, he should know that he is playing with fire.
Lips Are Good For Killing — And Other Things
Ellaria and Tyene are thrown into a cell in the bowels of King's Landing, where Cersei pays them a visit. Even through her taunts to Ellaria about Oberyn's death, I almost felt bad for Cersei. She really did love her daughter. But how will she kill these two?
I should have known. Cersei is nothing if not poetic, and damn, Qyburn knows a thing or two about lipstick. Cersei kisses Tyene, just like Ellaria did Myrcella. Ellaria will have to watch her daughter die, rot, turn to dust.
All this makes Cersei horny, and she drops in on Jaime for some sexy time. He refuses at first (a nod to that other very controversial scene between them, perhaps?), but then she gets on her knees, and he gives in. It's unclear to me that this interaction was consensual, either.
The next morning, Cersei gets up and opens the door to the chamber, free as a bird — who cares if everyone knows they're fucking? Poor serving girl was NOT prepared for that. (TBH though, isn't this an open secret at this point? Does anyone really care?)
Money, Money, Money
Ding dong! It's the Iron Bank, and they've sent Mycroft Holmes to get their gold back. Long story short: as a financial institution, they want to back a winner, and Cersei doesn't seem like one. Cersei, who is actually really great at diplomacy, reminds Mycroft that a certain Targaryan hasn't been all that great for the bank's financial interests in the past, especially where the slave trade is concerned. All she needs is a fortnight (aka two weeks, for those of you who don't speak Ye Olde English time language) and the debt will be repaid. We'll see about that.
Blister In The Sun
I think it important to point out that we have never seen Jon Snow in any lighting that wasn't gloomy and or grey, and the sun suits him! Even Tyrion thinks so: "You look a lot better brooding than I do," he quips. (Although I appreciate a Jon Snow joke as much as the next person, I need Game of Thrones to stop being so self-aware. It's a fantasy show — I need to stop being reminded of Internet inside jokes! It completely takes me out of the moment.)
Tyrion, it turns out, believes Jon, and not just because the latter once watched him pee off the Wall. The only problem is, how to convince the rest of the world? "People's mind aren't made for problems that large," Tyrion pontificates. (*cough global warming*) So, he can't quite help with that little pickle. But maybe he can help with something else?
Jon is actually so dumb. Do we have to spell it out for you? D-R-A-G-O-N-G-L-A-S-S. You know, that mountain of it you've been telling everyone about?
Tyrion relays the request to Dany, who approves it. Although, I have to say, this woman has three dragons flying around outside, and she has trouble believing in zombies? (Note: An earlier misstep by Davos in which he mentioned Jon's death and subsequent return did not go unnoticed by Daenerys.)
Stark Reunion, Part 2
Back in the North, Sansa is overseeing the storing of food. Winterfell only has enough food for a year, which in this universe, is the equivalent of January. Eagle-eye Sansa also notices that the armor isn't covered in leather — that's a no no for the cold. Littlefinger is proud. He also imparts some very Littlefinger-y advice: "Fight every battle everywhere, always in your mind. Everyone is your enemy, everyone is your friend. Every possible sequence of events is happening, all at once." Hmmm, that sounds exactly like a synopsis for Game of Thrones! Fancy that.
2) Bran can't be lord of Winterfell if he's the Three-Eyed Raven, so Jon's role is safe for now.
3) Why are we revisiting Sansa's rape AGAIN?
Sam Tarly & The Sorcerer's Gross Skin Disease
This seems like a good time to cut to a gross skin montage, courtesy of the Citadel. Actually, it looks like Ser Jorah is on the mend. And since Archmaester Ebrose isn't stupid, that probably means Sam is in trouble.
But still, Jorah is grateful, and Sam shakes his hand. I am confused — wouldn't everything in this chamber be infected? I am not impressed with Sam's hygiene protocol, which is more than I can say for Archmaester Ebrose, who congratulates his mentee on being phenomenally reckless. But since he's a gruff mentor, more Mad-Eye Moody than Hagrid, he still has Sam copy hundreds of gross manuscripts as punishment. Ah, Hogwarts!
If there's one thing I admire, it's a ruse within a ruse. Tyrion thought he was outsmarting his fellow Lannisters by pointing the Unsullied in the direction of the sex passage he built into the sewers of Casterly Rock, basically the equivalent of that one thermal exhaust port in the Death Star. But in reality, Jaime is the military brain the family (or is it Cersei?). He (looking damn good on a horse, might I add) takes the bulk of the Lannister army and marches it towards the Reach, to lay siege to Lady Olenna, with Sour-Face Tarly and Bron at his side. We haven't heard the Rains of Castamere in a while.
The scene between Jaime and Lady Olenna is one for the ages. She knows she's about to die, and uses the time she has left on Earth to dole out advice to Jaime about his love life, and then, confess that she, in fact, murdered Joffrey. I need her last words emblazoned on a shirt immediately: "Tell Cersei. I want her to know it was me."
Talk about a queen's justice.
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