Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Episode 2 Recap: The Birthday Bentley

With two episodes under my belt, I’m really starting to get the hang of this Real Housewives of Beverly Hills thing. The basic formula is this: the women go about their days, being rich and living lavish, and there is usually a main event that brings most, if not all, of them together. In episode two it’s Dorit’s 40th birthday party. I’m also happy to announce that I’ve even figured out a way to tell the blondes apart. Here’s what I learned in episode two. Kyle is what I like to call a messenger on reality shows. She doesn’t really have her own storyline; she mainly provides commentary on other people’s drama and instigates. But you can’t have a reality show without a Kyle. I did learn that her husband bought them a Lamborghini, and that Kyle thought she could call a fast food restaurant to order burgers and fries in advance. Am I the only who thinks Eileen looks like Amy Poehler? It’s because of this reference that I no longer have to call her Blonde #2. At first, I thought she was in the same boat as Kyle, playing a messenger role. But I had to remember that she has a big-girl TV job on the Young & the Restless. Eileen is filming a special for the series in celebration of its 11,000th episode. That’s a pretty big deal. A flashback scene to an earlier season also reveals that Eileen had an affair ~clutches pearls~ and she didn’t like when Lisa Vanderpump mentioned it. Speaking of Vanderpump, she’s the shadiest bitch on the show and there’s nothing her posh English accent or luxurious lifestyle can do about it. For a brief moment viewers are led to believe that Vanderpump is going to apologise to Eileen for asking about her affair, which seems really out of character for her. It turns out she was only sending Eileen condolences for the death of her mother. Vanderpump makes it clear that an apology for anything personal between them is not coming. Meanwhile, Lisa Rinna seems to be having a bit of an internal crisis. On one hand, she wants to be like Vanderpump: shady and unbothered by it. On the other hand, she wants to be Vanderpump’s friend. It's a classic conundrum of jealousy that's sad given that Rinna’s high school days are way behind her. It’s a trait she may have passed on to her younger daughter Amelia, who is a bit salty that her older sister Delilah is headed to New York to pursue her modeling dreams. Rinna manages to swallow her pride at Dorit’s party and apologize to Vanderpump who replies, “let’s move on.” I’m sure that’s Vanderpump's way of saying “I forgive you,” and Rinna is clearly grateful for it. My favorite cast member by far is still Erika Jayne. I’m inspired by the fact that she’s a 45-year-old pop star who isn’t Madonna. In episode two, she interviews dancers for her new music video and it’s clear that she feels competent enough to keep up with them. I can’t say the same for myself. She shows up super underdressed to Dorit’s party in a Moschino t-shirt dress. Moschino or not, Erika, a t-shirt is still a t-shirt. But she’s still my favourite because her main concern seems to be herself. She also gives me white Joseline Hernandez vibes, which I’m 100% here for. Full transparency, I’m only able to identify Dorit by process of elimination. Doesn’t look like Amy Poehler, not a bad bitch, must be Dorit. I figured out that Dorit’s husband, PK, is Boy George’s talent manager. What I still don’t get: if Boy George has to live with Dorit and PK, how does his career afford his manager the kind of lifestyle where PK can buy his wife a rose gold Bentley for her birthday? Boy George might want to hire a lawyer to go over his contract. In addition to her new wheels, PK throws Dorit a two-for-one birthday bash that starts as a cocktail mixer and turns into a Buddha lounge bash– whatever that means. It’s probably the least zen atmosphere I’ve ever seen, but it’s fancy. PK gives a heartfelt speech about his wife that brings them both to tears. And to think, I thought she was just in it for the money. Here are the questions I still have: Who was Eileen having an affair with? Does Vanderpump always look at people in a way that dares them to cross her? Do I like it? Is anyone going to tell Lisa Rinna that a new wig/hairdo is in order? Why haven't I married rich yet?